AIAI-assisted translation·Read the source version
I have often wondered whether using language that is too literary or formal might make people feel distant. Yet I only dare to speak a little more freely with friends online. They often answer in kind, but I take that as a sign of closeness. In real life I am not particularly articulate. Because I am unable to initiate conversations or activities, I come across as tongue-tied and spend most of my time quietly attending to my own affairs.
Perhaps because I have spent so long acting alone, many forms of behaviour that ought to come naturally in society turn awkward in my hands. I sometimes make gestures that may look strange to other people, and this troubles me greatly.
In the past I had too little exposure to other people in social settings, and I also actively avoided entering them. Society, however, is indispensable to anyone living in a cooperative world. Although Ojōsama Kotoba Sokushū Kōza is intended for communication in Japanese, the ideas and methods it contains are broadly similar across languages. Nor do I need to take its honorific style to every possible extreme. I therefore want to organise what I learned from the book and practise it deliberately.
Language is not merely a tool for expression; it is also an outward extension of one’s character. If I change my language, and then my behaviour, movements and expressions, perhaps my character and bearing will improve as well.
1. A few foundations
Expressions equivalent to casual “thanks,” “sorry,” or “my bad” ought to be set aside. They can blur responsibility and sound perfunctory, failing to convey genuine gratitude or apology. Such expressions should therefore be replaced with clearer and more deliberate words.
During a conversation, I should speak a little more slowly and at a clear volume—ten to twenty per cent slower is enough, and the volume should allow those nearby to hear without strain. This helps the other person concentrate and also lets me monitor myself, so that emotion does not ignite me into saying something hurried or rude.
Naturally, another worry follows: what if the other person is discourteous? Most people still care about preserving their dignity. When one party remains courteous, the other is less likely to reply with outright aggression. If I often find others cold or impolite, perhaps part of the reason is that I have treated them in much the same way.
2. What not to omit
The fashionable expressions of the moment—what circulate online as memes—are not recommended by the book. They can make a lady appear frivolous. Sentences should also be expressed clearly and, as far as possible, without omission. If something truly must be left out, it should be cut cleanly rather than left half-said.
Personally, I think a little in-group jargon or a few private phrases shared within a small circle can still have their place. When two people possess a small secret in common, the distance between them seems to narrow.
One may add words that make an expression more graceful, but not terms so obscure that they leave the listener at a loss—words such as “matrix,” “leverage point,” or “the big Other”—nor affected archaisms equivalent to “your honoured father” or “partake of a meal.” The aim is clear and clean expression. “I want to grab something to eat,” for example, might become “I would like to have something to eat first”; “You look bad today” might become “You seem a little out of sorts today.”
3. On vocabulary
Older or elevated phrases should not be delivered with a conspicuously affected air in ordinary situations.
3.1 Everyday expressions
Greetings
- Hello / Good morning / Good afternoon / Good evening
- Have you been well lately?
- Thank you sincerely for all your kindness.
- Excuse me for intruding. (when entering)
Taking one’s leave
Please excuse me.
Apologies
I am truly sorry.
Thanks
- Thank you very much.
- I appreciate the trouble you have taken.
Requests
- Please / May I trouble you?
- Could I ask for your help?
- Excuse me, may I ask…?
Agreement
- I understand.
- I think so as well.
Refusal
- I see; that is a difficult matter.
- I shall give it careful thought.
- It may not be quite right for me.
3.2 Words of praise
Clothing and appearance
- Your clothes look wonderful today.
- The colours are very well matched.
- That outfit suits you beautifully.
- You look very well today.
- You carry yourself with such elegance.
4. Responding to the unexpected
When an awkward and unexpected incident occurs, I should not let my body react at once. It is rarely a matter of life and death, and moving too quickly only makes me look clumsy. It is better to pause for a few seconds, respond with a smile, and afterwards add something such as “Please excuse me” or “I am sorry to have caused you trouble.”
When I do not know how to respond, I can smile and say, “I see.” It may make me seem a little slow, but it remains a useful way of meeting the moment.
5. Praise and disagreement
Praise and compliments should not be withheld, and they should avoid language that is nakedly blunt, sarcastic or barbed. True courtesy is not a means of elevating oneself, but of allowing the other person to feel respected. Attempts to make oneself look dignified by stepping on someone else will ultimately lead only to confrontation.